Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
