we have officially lost it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
