I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
