it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
