make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
