i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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