At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
