Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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