I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
