Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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