I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
