you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
