Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
