Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
