U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
