I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
