Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
