What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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