***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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