you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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