I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
