No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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