i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
