Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
