Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
