Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
