I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
