she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Randomize
