woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
