i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
