where does the pee come out of this thing
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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