Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
