This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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