WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think I have vodka in my lungs
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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