Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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