Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
