look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
