I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
