Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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