Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
