grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
