fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
