I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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