I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The air taste purple.
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