Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
