literally had 100 drinks last night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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