the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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