I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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