Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
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