I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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