I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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