Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
