He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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